I didn’t think it would be this difficult to write about the things that I value in myself. I really didn’t. Because I don’t HATE myself… But, as it turns out, I haven’t spent much time or energy on liking myself, either. So, without imposing any further judgement on myself,
– I am full of love. Love for people and places and animals and memories and ideas… There is NO shortage of love here.
– I’m a really great mother. No parent is perfect, but I give my daughter everything I have to give, and then some. And I’m doing it alone. I’m not just a single mother, but I’m also a caregiver: her developmental and medical needs far outweigh what most parents experience in a lifetime, and I do it day in and day out, alone, without resentment. Because I’m a damn good mom.
– I’ve become a really good listener over the past year or so.
– I haven’t given up. I haven’t run away from my life at any point, and I haven’t tried to kill myself, and I haven’t dropped out of school, and I didn’t quit the dance/drill team in middle school even when I was really bad at it and never made the cut for the weekly dances (the next year, I made every single one–perseverance!)
– I’m kind. I have a good heart, and I’m not a mean-spirited person. I try to be kind always, and I succeed most of the time.
– I’m always getting better. As a person, as a mom, as a partner, as a friend, as a student, as a professional, as a performer…
– I’m talented. I should really stop telling myself that I’m not, or that it’s not okay to acknowledge when I do something well, because I *AM* talented, and I can put my talents to really good use in this world, if I’ll only acknowledge them more.
– I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong, to look for the causes of my shortcomings, and to work to improve. I’m always trying to be better.
– I’m strong. I rarely feel strong, but I do so much every day that is a testament to my strength and endurance, to my resilience, and to my courage. I AM STRONGER THAN I FEEL. (I need to drill that one in.)
– I’m intelligent. I’m an excellent student, both in the classroom and in Life. I am eager to learn, and I do it quickly, and there’s almost nothing that’s beyond my capabilities if I take the time to learn how to do it right.
– I believe. This has been a source of some conflict periodically throughout my life, as I’ve been told, alternatively, that belief is a sign of strength and a sign of weakness. I don’t know if I believe in any sort of deity or deities, but I believe in SOMETHING. I believe that there’s power in this existence, and that the universe is full of goodness and love, and that anything and everything is possible.
– I’m loyal. I don’t abandon the people in my life, and I will forgive and justify and defend people, deserving or not. I never really turn on anyone, and I don’t know how to hate.
I feel like I could probably find some more if I dug a bit, but I really don’t want this to become a chore. I didn’t number my list because I didn’t want to get caught up in any self-inflicted, obsessive-compulsive pressure to have a “nice, neat number” or anything of that nature. I need this to be something I can take to heart, and not something stressful or that I’ll resent.
I think this is a good start… I don’t know if there will be more posts quite like this, but I kinda hope there are. I hope I can really learn to love myself, to value myself, and to honor myself. As a very intelligent man I know would say, “I deserve it.”