to begin…

I didn’t think it would be this difficult to write about the things that I value in myself.  I really didn’t.  Because I don’t HATE myself…  But, as it turns out, I haven’t spent much time or energy on liking myself, either.  So, without imposing any further judgement on myself,
here goes…

– I am full of love.  Love for people and places and animals and memories and ideas…  There is NO shortage of love here.

– I’m a really great mother.  No parent is perfect, but I give my daughter everything I have to give, and then some.  And I’m doing it alone.  I’m not just a single mother, but I’m also a caregiver:  her developmental and medical needs far outweigh what most parents experience in a lifetime, and I do it day in and day out, alone, without resentment.  Because I’m a damn good mom.

– I’ve become a really good listener over the past year or so.

– I haven’t given up.  I haven’t run away from my life at any point, and I haven’t tried to kill myself, and I haven’t dropped out of school, and I didn’t quit the dance/drill team in middle school even when I was really bad at it and never made the cut for the weekly dances (the next year, I made every single one–perseverance!)

– I’m kind.  I have a good heart, and I’m not a mean-spirited person.  I try to be kind always, and I succeed most of the time.

– I’m always getting better.  As a person, as a mom, as a partner, as a friend, as a student, as a professional, as a performer…

– I’m talented.  I should really stop telling myself that I’m not, or that it’s not okay to acknowledge when I do something well, because I *AM* talented, and I can put my talents to really good use in this world, if I’ll only acknowledge them more.

– I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong, to look for the causes of my shortcomings, and to work to improve.  I’m always trying to be better.

– I’m strong.  I rarely feel strong, but I do so much every day that is a testament to my strength and endurance, to my resilience, and to my courage.  I AM STRONGER THAN I FEEL.  (I need to drill that one in.)

– I’m intelligent.  I’m an excellent student, both in the classroom and in Life.  I am eager to learn, and I do it quickly, and there’s almost nothing that’s beyond my capabilities if I take the time to learn how to do it right.

– I believe.  This has been a source of some conflict periodically throughout my life, as I’ve been told, alternatively, that belief is a sign of strength and a sign of weakness.  I don’t know if I believe in any sort of deity or deities, but I believe in SOMETHING.  I believe that there’s power in this existence, and that the universe is full of goodness and love, and that anything and everything is possible.

– I’m loyal.  I don’t abandon the people in my life, and I will forgive and justify and defend people, deserving or not.  I never really turn on anyone, and I don’t know how to hate.

 

I feel like I could probably find some more if I dug a bit, but I really don’t want this to become a chore.  I didn’t number my list because I didn’t want to get caught up in any self-inflicted, obsessive-compulsive pressure to have a “nice, neat number” or anything of that nature.  I need this to be something I can take to heart, and not something stressful or that I’ll resent.  

I think this is a good start…  I don’t know if there will be more posts quite like this, but I kinda hope there are.  I hope I can really learn to love myself, to value myself, and to honor myself.  As a very intelligent man I know would say, “I deserve it.”

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