I’ve been lost.
Not for long. I don’t think it’s been long, anyway.
For a long time, I did really well on my new path. I taught myself to view the world more positively, to see the silver lining, to look toward the future, and to let the past go. It became automatic. Life’s little frustrations fell away, and I was happier–happier than I’d ever been.
I don’t know what happened, what went wrong, where I lost my way.
My marriage disintegrated. That wasn’t the tragedy it may seem, because neither of us was happy for a very long time, but it was sad, nonetheless. I mourned. Letting the past seven years of my life go in one conversation… It was difficult. It was a passing, and I grieved for the death of the dreams we’d held when we entered into that marriage. I grieved to think of what our divorce might mean for my beloved daughter, if she’s ever able to comprehend it. If she ever even notices that the man who used to be around every day disappeared from her life… (There are times when so-called disabilities really are more of a blessing, aren’t there? It’s been half a year, and she doesn’t know any difference. Her world, as she sees it, remains unchanged. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to realize that she and he never managed to establish any sort of connection strong enough that she would notice his absence, but it’s also of great comfort to know that she isn’t hurting for lack of him.)
Still, the dissolution of an unhappy marriage shouldn’t shake one from their path of positivity. I was shattered for a few days, and then, one morning, I wasn’t. I was okay. Perhaps, I was even better for it. Then someone truly remarkable entered my world…
I don’t know how to describe this relationship in any way that isn’t cheesy or juvenile or so cliche that it seems unbelievable. It’s GOOD. It’s healthy, and it’s uplifting, and it’s strong. It’s joyful.
So, why, then, if I’ve found my way out of an unhappy marriage and into a happy relationship, am I somehow unhappy again?
I don’t understand. Not in the slightest. I could blame it on chemical imbalances, and I could list off the diagnoses that have been thrust upon me over the last ten years… But I spent the last year proving to myself that those were misplaced. I haven’t been on medications for eleven months, and I’ve been more stable and emotionally aware than ever before in my life. So why, in the course of a few days, did I go from secure and happy to chaotic and miserable?
I only want to know why so I can prevent it from happening again. Beyond that, I really don’t care. It isn’t important. WHY I felt this is inconsequential when you look at the big picture, and wracking my brain over the WHY only serves to prolong the experience, to give it power, to let it affect me longer than it needs to.
I caved. I lost ground. I forgot how to see the sun, how to spot the light on the horizon while stumbling through the darkness. I was so lost in my turmoil and despair, my brain began replacing reality with visible and audible manifestations of my fear. That’s the only explanation I can fathom, because the alternative is simply too terrible to be true. Not now, not after so long of being so healthy. Not after I gave myself over to this new way of thinking, this new approach to life and to the universe… It can’t all be for nothing now.
So I fell. That’s okay. I’ve stood back up now, and I’m brushing myself off, and I’m going to lift my head and start moving forward again. I don’t need to stare at the ground to see where I landed; I need to look toward the sunrise to see where I am going. I don’t need to mourn the days of unhappiness when there are years of joy ahead of me to celebrate!
And I don’t need to keep pushing him away out of fear that I’m not good for him. I’m wonderful, and I’m amazing, and I have so much to give to him–to anyone–that far outweighs my falls.
I can do this. I can be strong and positive and happy. I can be HEALTHY. I can love him the way he deserves to be loved, and the way I deserve to love. I can even be the extraordinary mother that my darling daughter deserves.
Maybe I can even learn to start loving myself and valuing myself and caring for myself the way he is learning to care for himself, and the way he wants me to care for myself–for my sake. I will try. It’s within my power.
Everything is within my power.
Now, I start walking away from this desert of despair, and I find my way back home.