looking back

I’ve presented fargazing as looking ahead, but I neglected to address looking back…

It’s not a bad thing to look back.  People act like it is, like looking to the past means dwelling over past heartaches or what we’ve lost, but looking to the past is remembering where we come from.  It’s remembering where we’ve been!  Remembering those we loved once upon a time, the dreams we once chased, the lives we once led.

Yes, looking back CAN mean hurting, missing, and even regretting…  But fargazing is all about CHOOSING happiness–even when remembering times we didn’t have it.

Today, a song heard by chance triggered a series of memories that resulted in me looking up my first boyfriend.  We stayed friendly after we broke up, and we met up a few times over the next few years, but we lost touch almost a decade ago.  I sent him a friend request on facebook a long while back–so long that I had forgotten doing so–that he hasn’t accepted.  I don’t know if he doesn’t see it, if he doesn’t want to resume contact, if his new bride doesn’t want him to resume contact…  Doesn’t matter, really.  One of the benefits of the internet is that we can gain access to enough information to satisfy curiosity, even without participation from the other party.  So I looked him up…

I saw a wedding picture, and they both looked beautiful and happy.  I saw a link to a newspaper article about some of his professional successes.  I saw a video clip of him putting his talents and passions to great use and sharing them with others in the most wonderful of ways.  I saw that he was happy; that’s all I wanted to know.  I am overjoyed.

I loved him very dearly a very long time ago, and I wanted the very best for him in this world.  We went our separate ways, and there was pain and unkindness and damage on both sides, but we moved on.  Now, I only think of him once in a great while, and it is always with fondness, and I always wish him life, love, and peace.  I am so grateful to see that he has that.

In looking back, though, I didn’t just think of him…  I also thought of me.  The girl that I was, the hopes and dreams that drove me, and the devotion I had to making those dreams my reality.  Somewhere along the way, I have lost some of that drive and devotion.  I let “life” interfere with my dreams.  Some no longer apply–at least, not in the same manner they once did–but others persist, half-forgotten, but still buried in my psyche.  Those can be reawakened simply by remembering, and they can be realized by picking back up where I left off and reclaiming them.

I looked back, and I brushed aside the negativity, focusing solely on the good.  I looked back, and I found pieces of myself that I had misplaced along the way.  I looked back, and I was inspired to move forward…

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